Monday, October 18, 2021

Should have done this 15 years ago...

I survived midterms and now we're flying toward the end of the semester. Only one of my classes has been transparent about assignments—with readings and projects listed out for the entire semester (though there are weekly quizzes)—and I really appreciate it because my other classes release each module week by week. All I want to do is get ahead of the game a little bit so I can be prepared for whenever this baby shows up, but noooooo!

Anyway, yesterday I was talking to my mom and she mentioned that she wished I had done my master's in library science way back in the day. When I was working at BYU they would have paid for it and then it would be over with. But the thing is that I was working and pregnant and the prospect of going to graduate school felt like too much. And it would have been a lot, it's true. 

But also, it would have been much easier than it is to be in graduate school now (while pregnant and working and homeschooling five children)!

That's the beauty of hindsight, though, isn't it? And I suppose my mom could have pushed me more toward that, but in the end kids (even adult kids...especially adult kids) are just going to make the decision they're going to make. And my mom did sympathize with me that it would have been a lot. Being pregnant is hard work and it feels extra hard the first time. Though I also might argue that it feels extra hard the last time, too! Haha! It's not like it's really something you ever get used to. It's kind of just always not quite easy, always a little complicated and fraught and exhausting and...everything.

My mom cheered me on, though, saying that she knows I can do it. Because she also did it—graduate school, with six kids in tow, working, living life in all its...complexity. It wasn't easy, but she did it.

And I was just thinking today about a concert I accompanied my mom to (she had to attend various performances for various classes) and she was dutifully taking notes in her notebook when she fell asleep, mid-stroke, her pen rushing across the page with a whoosh. She jerked awake and we had a quiet little giggle about it (concert etiquette!), but the memory made me feel so sad for my tired mommy, who I'm sure I didn't help as much as I could have, and so grateful for her dedication to her education, and proud of her for working so hard.

Maybe it's the fact that Hamilton is playing in one of the kids' bedrooms, but I kind of just want to sing, "Look at where you are! Look at where you started!"

I'll always be thankful for her example.
And I'll always be thankful for my kids, who really do help me out as much as they can. Every time Rachel deep cleans the kitchen my heart just about bursts. When Miriam plays Lego in the basement with Alexander (who does not like to be alone...ever) I get warm fuzzies. Benjamin has dutifully prepared ~65 fried eggs for me! 

This evening when we were going over our family calendar and I mentioned that a couple of the kids had doctor appointments at 9:00 in the morning, which meant we'd have to leave the house at 8:30 (the time he usually gets up to fix my breakfast for me), he said, "That means that I'll have to get up a little earlier than usual as well so that I can make you an egg."

He's not one of the children with an appointment. I told him he didn't have to worry about it (I am, technically, capable of fixing my own breakfast). 

"It's alright," he told me. "I can do it."

Zoë and Alexander are very good about allowing Mommy quiet time for resting (our school day wears me out and I always need a little pick-me-up nap in the afternoons) and are quite respectful of my working time. 

(And, naturally, I'm thankful for Andrew, who, in reality, picks up most of the slack around here). 

Somehow we're making it work, which feels miraculous. 

Still, I've been looking ahead to next semester and trying to figure out my course schedule is about reducing me to tears. I'm already so tired. And then I'm trying to factor in a newborn. And it's just a lot. I have no idea what classes to take but have to take a full 12 credits...and it's basically just breaking my brain. 

So I'm off to go read an article about phonemic transfer between Spanish and English because that won't break my brain...


  1. Your family gives you good support. You and Andrew are raising great people.

  2. I feel the exact same way. If I had done my doctorate and gotten my nurse practitioner 15 years ago I could now be comfortable working once or twice a week and spending the rest of my time with my kids. It is so hard but we are both going to make it out!! I only have 5 kids and no pregnancy or homeschooling this year. :) But you are doing great and will make it to graduation. We might just be a little more worn by the time we get there, haha.