Wednesday, April 08, 2020

Ten things I do not like

There's a little survey-thing going around in Facebook land asking people to list ten things they don't like that they think most people probably do. So I thought I'd do that here since I always feel like I need to explain myself and because today I'm upset with the dog population. So they get to go first.

1) Dogs.

Today we were walking down the street (because there aren't sidewalks in our neighbourhood) and there was a lot of old foliage in the gutter (pine needles and things like that, just slowly decomposing) that I was walking on because the other option was to walk basically in the middle of the street.

Andrew and I were talking and walking and the kids were up ahead goofing off together when *squish* I stepped in something gooey. And of course I'm wearing flip-flops because I do like those, except that they really don't protect your toes from goo so this goo squelched right onto my flip-flop and started oozing in between my toes and...instead of looking down I looked up.

I couldn't look down. I just couldn't.

Maybe it's just mud, I told myself, willing myself to just. look. down.

Folks, it was not mud. It was the biggest pile of doggy doo known to man (I do not know how all the many children walking in front of me managed to avoid it), though it wasn't so much of a pile anymore because I thoroughly squished it.

I wiggled my sad little toes and wailed, "What do I dooooooo?"

"Just..." Andrew looked around for anything helpful. "That house up there has some grass. Just slide your foot out and go wipe it on the grass."

So I hobbled over there and wiped off my foot and my shoe and then walked home barefoot, carrying my stinky flip flop (as well as the clean one).

I get that people like dogs (even though I don't (because I'm absolutely terrified of them, which I'm sure has fueled my general dislike of them over the years)) but irresponsible dog owners are the worst. Like—for the love—leash your dog and clean up after it in public because I have zero desire to step in dog poop or have random dogs jumping all over me or drooling on me or just...I can't. And I understand that dogs are stinkers sometimes and they "get out" but, like, if they make a habit of it you—as a responsible dog owner—need to come up with a solution. End of rant.

Oh, except! If you're a dog owner you are probably thinking to yourself, "But wait until you meet my dog!"

I very well may meet your dog one day. I might even tolerate your dog (if it is well-behaved and stays the heck away from me) but I won't ever love your dog. I'm sorry. It's no reflection on you or even on your dog. I just...there are no exceptions. I have never net a dog in my life that I've liked.

(Again, sorry).

My friend's dog Cody comes close. He was a good dog, as far as dogs go. He never barked. But he was also under the assumption that everyone wanted to cuddle him, always. Spoiler: everyone did not want to cuddle him always (me—I didn't want to cuddle him but, boy, did he ever always want to cuddle me). He died the other day and I'm super sad for my friend (but, like, I'm okay).

I was also sad when Vixie died (our nextdoor neighbour in Durham's dog). Vixie was a...good dog...that I would—on rare occasion—pat (to show my kids that dogs are...fine). I honestly liked her a lot better after her stroke when she lost the use of her hind legs and couldn't run around anymore (she lived for a few years after her stroke and was super mellow). Our neighbours were so good about their dogs and so they had good dogs (that I was still terrified of, but that didn't matter because they didn't once come charging at me all out of control). I cannot say the same thing about all the dogs in that neighbourhood—*grumble* TANK *grumble* (Tank was...not a good dog).

2) Talking on the phone.

Why do people do this?

Speaking to people you know is bad enough—no one ever knows when to say goodbye, there's no way to be sure who you're actually going to end up talking to until they pick up the phone, sometimes you have to leave messages, there is so much room for miscommunication....

Calling absolute strangers is...the absolute worst! No, thank you.

Video calling is different for me. It's usually shorter. I can see the person so I can follow their physical cues (know when they're getting bored and so forth) and I really only ever video call people I know so it's not so nerve wracking.

3) Eating out.

I don't like restaurants. I do not like choosing where to eat. I do not like choosing what to eat. I do not like sitting at tables that were quickly wiped off with a wet rag after who-knows-who ate there before me. I do not like ambient music and low-lighting. I do not like being surrounded by other people eating. I do not like waiters asking me if I am enjoying my food when I'm in the middle of a bite. I do not like making treks to get refills or napkins or use the bathroom. It's basically my worst nightmare.

I've been known to look up menus before hand so that I have an idea of what I might like to order, but that only helps if I know beforehand that I'll be going out (which is usually). But then there's the nightmare of eating the food. I like eating; I eat all the time. But I don't like eating in public (my bite is off and I literally can't bite things so I'd just rather eat at home).

I guess it's nice to avoid making a mess in the kitchen every once in a while but the stress of eating out is almost not worth it for me (and by "almost" I really mean "yup, it's just not worth it").

The last time I ate in any sort of restaurant was when my mom was here in September (we went to Cook Out where I got the same thing I always get and the restaurant was freezing and I was so cold by the time we finished eating and the other party in the restaurant was so rude to everyone (to the workers and to our family) and, well, we haven't been out to eat since...and now we're COVID-ing and I'm fine with not going out).

4) Noisy stuff.

Vacuums. Blenders. Power tools. Movie theaters. Airplanes. Anything noisy.

I still use vacuums and blenders and power tools, I will still get on an airplane or go to the movies (though I honestly can't remember the last time I did was...with my see some Minion movie, maybe?), I simply wish the whole time that there was a quieter way to do the thing that I'm doing.

5) Chocolate.

I haven't eaten it since I was 9 years old, mostly because my mom didn't ever it. But, also, honestly, it would give me an upset stomach as well. My brothers both got tested for allergies and found out that they are both technically allergic to chocolate. I have not been tested for allergies, but I guess if we're going with the rules for COVID-19 testing we can just assume that I'm also somewhat allergic.

I probably could eat chocolate and be fine; but honestly, the thought of eating a brownie is grosses me out (and smelling brownies is worse). So...there you go.

6) Driving.

Do I need to explain this one? I don't feel freer because I can drive. I have to give myself a pep-talk before I drive anywhere. I am in panic-mode 100% of the time that I am driving. I hate it so much.

Andrew once tried to make me feel more comfortable about getting on the road by telling me, "You are the most alert driver I know."

"That does not make me feel better about driving!" I told him.

That does the opposite of make me feel better about driving.

7) Bananas.

This fruit has such a short window of viability for me that they're hardly worth it. If they're just right (still a little green and sour) then I can eat them. If they're anything beyond that they're just slimy and gross and I can't even.

I couldn't feed my babies mashed bananas (back when I had babies to feed baby food to) and I have to either have someone else mash bananas so I can make banana bread or I have to put them in the stand mixer and walk away for a few minutes. The smell of overripe (or even just ripe) bananas makes me gag. Ew.

8) Shopping.

Grocery shopping is Andrew's job. He likes it. I find groceries stores too large (especially in the United States); they're like warehouses and they freak me out.

I don't like clothes shopping because I never know what I want, nothing ever fits the way I want it to, and then I always worry about buyer's remorse (what if I spend all this money and end up not liking this item in the end?!). So I just never go shopping. I basically live in hand-me-downs and I don't know what I'm going to do out here with no one to give me hand-me-downs.

I am pretty sure the internet was invented for me. I wouldn't say I do a ton of shopping online, but it's really the only way I ever buy anything, so I do it much more often than I ever set foot in a store.

9) Medicine.

I'm sure it's great; I've simply spent my entire life being afraid of it. Andrew's always reminding me that I can take medicine for headaches and things. And I'm always just like, "If I just drink a glass of water and take a nap I'll be fine." I'm totally freaked out about accidentally overdosing or becoming addicted, which is mostly—but not entirely—ridiculous.

10) Meat.

I had a different thing in mind for number ten, but decided it was too controversial to discuss publicly. So instead I'll say that I don't like meat. I hate dealing with raw meat, so there's a limited number of dishes I will ever make with meat. If I have to touch the meat with my's not happening. I will eat it, but it has to be cooked until it is 100% done (like, I have to look at the thermometer and everything and nothing can be pink). Needless to say, I'm not a steak person.


  1. Well now I'm super curious what your original number 10 was!! But I totally get it if you don't want to share. I mean, these are supposed to be unpopular opinions after all. And I enjoy most everything on your list :)

    1. That's what makes the world go round!

      I give Andrew the chocolate I get in RS; he gives me the tomatoes he gets in his burgers. Everybody wins! :)

  2. Thank you for tolerating Malcolm when we last saw each other!

    Definitely curious about your original number 10 now.

    1. Malcolm is definitely a tolerable dog. :)

      I guess I was just thinking about dead dogs that I could handle last night. Hahaha! But I definitely like Malcolm more when you are home than when you aren't. I think once we got home before you or something and you gave us instructions about letting him out of his kennel and I legit thought we were going to die...but look at us! We survived! Hahaha!